Words to Live By

In empty Paris where everyone has left on vacation, and the weather has finally cooled off from 95 degrees to bearable temperatures, I find myself at the end of 1 path and the beginning of another, both in terms of jobs and relationships.

This is in some ways a relief, an exciting new opportunity, and crushing and devastating all at the same time.

The basic tenet of my 30s so far is this:

You can't control what happens, but you can control your attitude towards it. How much will you let it bother you, define you or consume you?

What kind of person would you like to be and what are you willing to do to become that person?

While I've always found the Gandhi quote 'be the change you want to see' a little vague, I think it means this: working on changing your attitude towards a setback, heartbreak or a mistake until you can react to it the way you hope to be able to react to it.

Tour de France 2013

Cycling is a big deal in France and in Europe in general and all of France gets Tour de France fever. Depsite Lance Armstrong being American, even before his fall from grace,  I didn't really know anyone in the US who seemed to care that much about it.

I think the most interesting part of watching TdF on TV is seeing the different French towns they pedal through, but some people watch it for the cyclists, too. The uninteresting part for me is the cycling-- pedal pedal pedal in a giant peloton. Ooh, the drama. Sometimes a few break away, sometimes they don't, sometimes they go up hills, sometimes they go back down hills. As you can tell, I don't exactly find it riveting...

I do like when they need a quick bike repair or medical help and the support staff do impressive things like replace a dérailleur or give someone stitches for a deep cut out the car window while the guys are still cycling.

2013 was the year I started cycling, did 2 bike races- 80K and 95K respectively, and then decided never again to do any cycling competitions whatsoever because they were both so awful-- ugly poorly marked courses, potholes and dangerous oncoming traffic. I think this is also partly why I would rather clean my entire kitchen floor with a toothbrush than watch televised cycling.

However, I like doing triathlons and unfortunately, cycling is part of the deal. Short rides like 20-40 km are ok, but I don't think I will ever be convinced to go any farther than that.

But while watching the sport itself isn't that fascinating to me, I have nothing but the highest respect for real cyclists who can do the crazy long distances (especially without drugs!) and can go 40+km/hr. We cheered Froome and company on at Tuilleries last night where we saw the cyclists do several loops of the last stage of the competition, 7 km around Paris to end along the Champs Elysées by the Arc de Triomphe which was well decorated with an impressive light show. It was about a million degrees out, but everyone was in a good mood, chilled beverages abounded and  and we kept trying to imagine how the cyclists must feel on the last night of their epic 6-week tour about to ride down the Champs for the last time before the end of their race.

If We Shadows Have Offended: Shakespeare, Traditions and Ducks

One of my annual traditions is seeing the outdoor Shakespeare play every summer in the Shakespeare Garden. I like that woods in Paris have a Shakespeare Garden and lest the anglophone influence seem TOO strong, it's next to a fancy French restaurant catered by French gastro giant La Nôtre.

I come every year, rain or shine. Rain is often more likely, given terrible flip change rain-sunshine-rain again summer weather. One year they did Hamlet and during the scene when Claudius is trying to pray and repent for murdering Hamlet's father and failing, when he says, 'oh, all the rain in heaven couldn't wash my sins away,' there was a downpour. Everyone laughed, as we frantically dug out our umbrellas.

Last year they performed Macbeth and I found the witches slightly disappointing. This year, they did a comedy, A Midsummer Night's Dream, which is probably my favorite comedy and it was the best play I"ve seen in a long time. I laughed until I cried. I also really like this one because I was in a school production of it once, so I still know a lot of the lines. And the ridiculous acting troupe who perform the play within the play are just plain hilarious.

Confused lovers wandering through a forest-- it's kind of the human condition... The stage is a landscaped hill and part of the garden, so it was arguably the play that best used the natural decor to its advantage.

The play about the enchanted forest was really performed in a forest, the bois de boulogne just outside of Paris. This is the woods where I run around the lake and I love it. I find it a mildly transcendent place, in fact, on the days when I push myself and I've run some great races here. These woods are also the home of many an illicit tryst and lots of rough-looking prostitutes live in vans parked on the property.


Transcendent and squalid, fitting place for a Shakespeare play, then, largely about love, sex, fairies and manipulation...


After the play, we strolled about the garden and admired nature: we saw a mother with her baby ducks and everyone gathered around to ooh and ahh take pictures and admire the fluffy ducklings. Were they perhaps Shakespearean creatures of an enchanted forest? Or maybe they were only ducks.

Here are some of the more quotable lines from AMN'sD, from philisophical musings on the nature of man and love and the apology at the end.

The course of true love never did run smooth.--Lysander

Lord, what fools these mortals be!-- Puck/Robin Goodfellow

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended.
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear. --Puck/Robin Goodfellow

Ups and Downs, Highs and Lows

I don't have a lot to say, just that this week was a bit Dickensian in a very Best of Times, Worst of Times way. I couldn't really focus, spent a lot of time being miserable or pep talking myself out of the house in the morning and not enjoying being on vacation but mainly feeling like an unproductive and sometimes tearful bum. However, I also spent a lot of time seeing friends who really rallied around me and I'm so grateful to have them, training for a personal challenge: a competitive 10K (6 mi) run tomorrow, a new annual tradition for me which I started last year and making some important decisions about life, love and lodging (I'm moving to a way better apartment).

People disappointed me and amazed me this week. This week marked the end of a relationship that had delighted me up until about 3 weeks ago. Goodbye, long term plans with that specific person. Hello, long or short term personal goals instead that don't depend on anyone else...

So clearly, that accounts for the disappointment. The amazement is from the courage and self-awareness of a friend who just came out. My heart really bursts with happiness for him when I think how much more comfortable he’s becoming with himself and how honored I feel that he trusts me with a part of his life that was only deeply private until now.

I wrote about how hell was other people for Jean-Paul Sartre in a previous post. That's a little too simplistic. Heartbreak and joy are other people.

Last Tango in Paris with Mary Jane

Like Tom Petty once said, tired of myself, tired of this town. Tired, also, of the same existential crisis.

A Little Respect and Jean-Paul Sartre

Erasure once sang, "give a little respect to-oo-oo-oo me."

Sartre once said "Hell is other people."

I used to interpret that famous Sartre quote as describing the frustration of being trapped in a crowd in the metro where the foot traffic patterns seem purposely designed to be the least logical and efficient. Sometimes I took it to mean a mall food court and its crass greasy marketing and overweight American consumerism. I've also interpreted it as being trapped behind a wall of painfully slow walking people on a public sidewalk and being unable to step around them. I guess I instinctively applied it to other people en masse, more to crowds than individuals because public space in France is just so damn frustrating.

However, this week, I've changed my mind. Truer to the actual play that the quote comes from where a few people just torment each other for all eternity, I think "hell is other people" in fact describes the insult and anger of even just one or 2 individuals who show no respect for you rather than the annoyance of walking in a crowd. This attitude describes an awful lot of people I know at the moment and disappoints me. Life is just a set up for disappointment, Sartre would probably say and shrug and light a cigarette. Or turn up Erasure.

Sideways?

Sideways or upside down, I'm not really sure which direction things are going in these days, but it's definitely not straight ahead progress...

Some good points of late were a recent weekend in Norway, more travel plans in May, including a half-marathon with Tiffany and spending more time with my best girlfriends. The end of some of my classes and the start of spring break are also really soon-- only 2 weeks to go. Which is good, considering how annoying students with spring fever can be... Also planning on moving to a way nicer apartment in either May or June.

Some negative points are dealing with workaholism (not my own), seeing a previously solid work team unravel a little, having girlfriends who seem to require an inordinate amount of attention for simple things like planning to meet up, and being currently without a cell phone. The future move, while for the best, is also a source of stress in that it's not in the least bit organised yet and I'll have to break my lease to do it, and negotiate with my landlord and this, like many things in France, will be an ordeal.

Some points of suspense (I honestly don't know if they'll be good or bad) are that I really don't want to go back to my main job again next year, although I'm glad to have that option as a back up plan, so over spring break, I'll be job hunting with a vengeance. I'm also waiting to hear about another job next year. The nature of the job is changing, which will be a change for the better, but I don't know if that means that they'll still have a place for me or not or if so, in what capacity.

Bienvenue à Paris, Mom and Dad

Everyone's parents are visiting now. Seems that flights are cheap and agendas are open. I'm a big fan of having visitors, taking them around and planning tourist activities-- although I tend to avoid really touristy things like the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre (shudder). They're on their own for those. I like feeling like I know Paris well and feeling like I have restaurants, walks or cafes worth showing them. You always rediscover your own city when you show visitors around.

I've had a spate of visitors lately. A friend from London came a few weeks ago and we had the best restaurant experience ever with friendly waiters who thought we were amazing. How atypical is that? We also took a freezing cold boat ride along the Seine at night so she could See the Lights of Paris. They were beautiful, as always, but by the end, we could no longer feel our feet. Will not be repeating that one with visitors until at least the month of May. I also have beloved friends from the Netherlands coming later tonight and one of them is staying all week.

I always think meeting parents is especially fun. I like spotting the family resemblance and catching a glimpse of who your friends grew up with and how it might have influenced them. As an only child, I am generally a fan of parents, since my family definition was really that: parents, with cats and cousins, as well, and no brothers or sisters. I think parents enjoy visiting their adult children, too, seeing the lives we've chosen for ourselves and generally marveling at the grown up-edness of their former 6-year old.

My big windfall of good fortune yesterday was meeting a coworker's mom who was lovely and even brought us back some English munchies from Marks and Spencer's on the Champs Elysées! What a shock to discover that she was French! I never knew this colleague was half-French, I thought he just had a fabulous French accent because he was brilliant. Needless to say, he's now my new go-to guy for weird cultural questions since he understands both perspectives.

Other parental units coming to town include my boyfriend's dad who visits a lot and will be here this week which is nice for them both and then my dad will be here the following week. My papa and I are planning on going to Strasbourg, tasting champagne in Reims and having lunch with my coworkers at the Good Job and an apéro with my anglophone girlfriends. My visiting friend this weekend will also host her parents in April. Maybe it's something in the perrier that's making everyone decide to visit their kids in Paris but les enfants in the city of light aren't complaining.

Transitions

Some ups, some downs and some possible new projects-- a new blog idea and a possible move.

I feel like everything will stay the same next year (same jobs, same friends, same country) but everything will also be different. In a good way.

Finger on the Pulse of French Teenagers...

Me, during a listening exercise to prepare my students for a crisis management meeting roleplay where they have to decide how to save their company's reputation when it's accused of causing food poisoning: "Come on, kids, I assure you, your classes today won't get any better than this! We're discussing severed fingers found in fast food!"

This comment was met with the usual student look which is a blank stare.

Bien Joué

Me: So, in French, isn't the expression "bien joué" always sarcastic?
French coworker: Of course not! What kind of French people do you hang out with?!

Pas de Grosse Pomme

Some conflicting news of late: I heard last weekend that I didn't get a job I applied for in NYC which would have been a good job. I also heard that I could keep my current job in France another year if I wanted to. In some ways it's not ideal-- mainly the groups are very large and it's a huge challenge to teach a class with 50 students, but class sizes are increasing everywhere and it's definitely a gift in the life of a teacher to be able to teach the same class a second year in a row. Even if class management will still be a challenge, preparation will already be done and my inner perfectionist loves the idea of getting a do-over and I really honestly think my classes (the content, anyway, if not the kids and their motivation level) could be awesome. I could also stay in my side job another year, too, creating online course content at another university and that would be good experience since I love working there.

After feeling like Paris was plotting to make me leave (my last job offer was a terrible unliveable wage, so I didn't take it and it made me just want to ditch the French job market all together), maybe the trend has reversed itself. The path of least resistance is to stay for another year and when you're not sure what to do, maybe resistance is a waste of energy. Just stay put and open your mind.

Something I Didn't Think I'd Say This Year

Feeling strangely optimistic about life in France. So far, 2012 has been surprisingly good. Although it's only been 2 weeks.

No Exit

A wise person said to me once that a lot of life was getting your exit cues right and knowing when to leave a job, a relationship, a country.

The problem is that when you make one of these decisions, you want to leave everything and remember everything else you've ever left, too.

Like poet Gjertrud Schnackenberg once wrote:

Life is a painful stammered-out emphatic
Pronunciation of the word goodbye.

Holiday Jollies

At last, as the song goes, something in Paris works and is positive and enjoyable! My vacataire job (meaning secondary and not primary employer) went from great to mindbogglingly fabulously great. Really excited about what we'll do there next semester.

And a language school wants to hire me as responsable pédagogique, but they can't afford me. They are ready to negotiate about it, but I not sure I am. I can't take the kind of pay cut the salary they offered would force me to take and they already made it clear that they can't really increase the salary by that much. Rather then being depressed about being offered a crap salary and a CDD that could someday be a CDI (instead of just the CDI at a reasonable salary that I was hoping for), I think I should just enjoy being sought after and feeling like I have options in the future.

And I leave on Christmas vacation in about 4 hours. This will be my first paid vacation in 3 years and the first Christmas I'll spend with my family in about 4 years.

Inner Beauty?

Friend: You look great!

Me: Thanks. This is how I look when I'm happy. Take a good look, though, because it doesn't happen that often in Paris!


Even if happiness is fleeting, I'm always realistic.

Waiting to Exhale

I hold my breath from Sunday night to Wed pm. In a work-related stress way, not a Stella Got Her Groove Back kind of way. Now it's Wed night and I can exhale and catch up on sleep and relaxation.

Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

Sometimes cancelling everything is the right choice. Today was one of those days. Tomorrow, too, I think. I already have to give a makeup exam at the university where I work and this will be traumatic enough.

The things I cancelled today included skipping my usual yoga class but I was cheered to see an email from my yoga teacher saying she'd missed me that am and hoped everything was ok. It's also because I poured my little heart out to her over email since I'd asked her if she'd be willing to do some private lessons to help me manage depression and anxiety. She said it would bring her a lot of joy if she could help me with these issues. While I know she's sincere, it would also bring her a lot of money. I feel like I maybe revealed a little too much.

I'm celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow and this will be the highlight of my weekend. And will have to keep me going to help survive next week, which I'm dreading a little. Each day brings me closer to winter vacation in the US, though, and the end of what may very well be my last semester ever working in the French Public University system. Each day also brings me closer to hearing back about the promising job that I'm waiting on and this decision will help me make decisions of my own.

Screwing Up

Oops. Just left an extremely personal comment on someone's blog and realised I couldn't erase it. D'oh!

Asked blog owner to delete it for me, but in kind of a negative anxious place now and revealing personal comments floating around cyberspace is not helping the anxiety.

I don't really know if I'm doing anything right at the moment. Life is mainly about sleeping on the way to work and on the way home on the metro and telling bratty talkative kids in my classes to be quiet before I throw them out.

I'm also really negative and grumpy these days. No fun at a social event yesterday and I worried a little about being Debbie Downer in a group of optimistic Americans. This behavior ostricises me from my fellow countrymen, yet is highly admired by the French. Such cultural conflict.

This is ultimately why I mainly stay home and cry instead of attempting to socialise.

Parisian Moment of the Day

Crossing the street on my way to the bus stop at étoile (I have the right of way), a car comes out of nowhere and swerves to narrowly avoid hitting me. Bon, I say to myself in matter of fact Parisian deadpan, too bad it swerved.