The Hit Film Poltergay

You can’t be cultural and sophisticated all the time…

The other night, friends of mine went to the opera to see Cosi Fan Tutte. I also headed towards the opera, but to the cinema near the opera house to see a French film that just came out. If you, like most Americans, think that “foreign film” equals “art house, intellectual and thought-provoking,” then I am very sorry to shatter that illusion.

I saw a film called “Poltergay.”

It is the story of five ghosts who haunt a house built on the hallowed ground of a gay disco that tragically burned down in the 70s. They are now trapped there for eternity as poltergeists due to some magic stones with a vaguely defined electromagnetic force that keep them there. You may be shocked to learn that no one actually recommended this film to me, but I saw it based on the strength alone of the movie posters with a tagline that roughly translates into “phantoms or fantabulous?” Yes, for a girl from San Francisco who, on occasion, spent Halloween in the Castro, it was irresistible.

Spoiler alert. Stop reading if you don’t want a plot synopsis of this important cinematic achievement. (Or: I am not kidding that this is a real movie in theaters everywhere in France).

The short version:
It’s your basic boy sees ghosts, boy loses girl, boy wins her back and opens a nightclub.

The long version:
A straight couple moves into a gay haunted house. Rainbow colored fog foreshadows ensuing creepiness. The cat senses the otherworldly presence—perhaps she sees the fog— and spends the entire film caterwauling. The ghosts do silly things like play disco music, photograph the male lead’s naked ass, paint winged penis insignias on everything, arrange his closet and iron his pants, even his jeans. There’s some psychological drama wherein the male lead thinks he’s losing his mind, since only he can see gay disco ghosts. This prompts his archeologist girlfriend to leave him and he then seeks professional help. The professional help tells him he’s a repressed homosexual, so he trolls a gay club but doesn’t go though with a hook up. He loses his job, too and the antagonistic ghosts start to feel sorry for him.

He decides it is time to Take Action. So he does a google search and discovers that his house was once a disco that burned down. He then calls a German parapsychologist who appears on his doorstep 2 seconds later and is always eating McDonalds. He also discovers that his ability to see the gay ghosts actually reaffirms his heterosexuality since only virgins, who are, according to the film, men who haven’t ever been with another man, can see them. His best friend can’t see them even though he’s straight, but the film explains this inconsistency in that he is not pure because he is a fireman, which is (I discovered later) a Bawdy Pun, since the word for fireman in French is also slang for blow job.

And you thought the film had nothing to teach us.

The male lead and the ghosts then drive into Paris with the magic stones that are the source of their poltergeist power and seem portable enough, and take a tour of Paris gay clubs. But, oh, no, the ghosts become weak and hover near whatever ontological state describes the demise of a ghost. The German parapsychologist explains, in an emergency cell phone conference while he waits in line at a drive-thru, that the ghosts will disappear forever if they and their magic stones are not returned to the house by 5 am, since that was the time of the Tragic Disco Fire. It wasn’t clear if he just forgot to mention that earlier, or if he were deliberately plotting against them and then had a royale with cheese-induced change of heart. (Yes, Pulp Fiction will get a mention in every single blog).

The male lead piles the ghosts into a wheelbarrow and into his car and speeds back to home sweet haunted home, but he gets stopped by the police, one of whom is evidently not a fireman and sees the ghosts, and they let him go. But after this delay, edge of your seat suspense— will they make it back in time?

Yes, don’t worry, the ghosts are fine. Quel relief.

After the Drama That Solidifies Friendship, next along in the plot line is the Effort To Win The Girlfriend Back. The ghosts help and it becomes a French version of Queer Eye for the Straight and Not Dead Guy. They write a love letter to his lady and quote Cocteau. They sew him a shirt out of a floral curtain, cook a great dinner and prompt him with conversation topics since he can hear and see them and his girlfriend can’t. They show him how to dance the salsa with his lady, tell him when to try to kiss her and cheer him on when he hooks up with her later that night. Seriously, all men should be so lucky to have gay French ghosts to give them dating tips.

But, plot twist, one of the ghosts records himself on the girlfriend’s digital camcorder and she can see the ghost when she replays the segment! They’re not vampires after all, so why not show up on digital film? After this discovery, the happy couple, now united in their perception of disco ghosts, open a gay paranormal nightclub in their basement where all the ghosts are visible on TV screens and can communicate and make out with the living, even the firemen.