Read My Shirt

The main advantage to wearing t-shirts with words printed on them in France is that no one attempts to read them aloud, since their English isn't good enough and strangers rarely ever talk to you. No such luck in the US. Everyone here seems to read my t-shirt aloud within 3 seconds of seeing it. Maybe it's the American relational strike-up-a-conversation-about-any-old-thing mentality or simply the perfect justification for staring at a woman's upper body...

Only men seem to be the t-shirt readers and they always do it in a slow, evenly-measured, puzzled voice with obvious quotation marks. They also always just start reading, no "what does your shirt say?" or introductory framing question. Implicit in their reading is the need for an explanation or Funny Story Behind This Shirt. I should also point out that while never a fashionplate, most of my real clothes are in France and I mainly have my high school wardrobe available to me at the moment, which includes its fair share of shirts featuring complete English sentences. Here are some recent t-shirt reading experiences.

Stranger, shouting from across the sidewalk in San Francisco: "'The reason the world loves
me?'"
T-shirt actually says "The man who sold the world" and even those who read it correctly often try to strike up a conversation about Nirvana only to meet with polite yet withering scorn, as this is in fact a brilliant David Bowie song that Nirvana once covered.

Stranger, selling me fruit at the farmer's market in Delaware: "'Happy dreams opium den?' Do you go there often, ha ha?"
Shirt continues, explaining that this obviously fictional place is "where good fiends like to meet." I mean, really, who would advertise an actual crack den?

Stranger, drug store cashier who looks about 16, ringing up nail polish: "'Tears for fears?' Is that a movie?"